The Most Inspirational Quotes From “How to Win Friends and Influence People”

CHAPTER 1: FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE

Principle 1 — Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

• “Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others — yes, and a lot less dangerous. “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”
• “When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
• “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain — and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. “A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”
• “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”

Principle 2 — Give honest and sincere appreciation.

• “Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.”
• “Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” Remember that phrase: “the desire to be important.”
• “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” He didn’t speak, mind you, of the “wish” or the “desire” or the “longing” to be appreciated. He said the “craving” to be appreciated.”
• “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. ”
• “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem”
• “She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people. Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellent job and other people give him appreciation and recognition.”
• “Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. ”

Principle 3 — Arouse in the other person an eager want.

• “The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. What do you want?”
• “Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.
• ”So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”
• “Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to do something. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.”
• “Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.”
• “First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”
• “The only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants”
• “Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it? That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about our desires.”
• “Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it.”
• ”It lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
• “When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.”
• “I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint. And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in friendships and happiness — the only things that matter much after all.”

Summary of chapter 1: FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE

• Principle 1 — Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
• Principle 2 — Give honest and sincere appreciation.
• Principle 3 — Arouse in the other person an eager want.

CHAPTER 2: WAYS TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU

Principle 1 — Become genuinely interested in other people.

• “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”
• “I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. ”
• “If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people — things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. ”
• “It the beginning of each year, I had these birthday dates scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to my attention automatically. When the natal day arrived, there was my letter or telegram. ”
• “If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello” in tones that bespeak how pleased YOU are to have the person call. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is concerned about them. Let’s remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow.”
• “Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in customers' loyalty to your company.”
• “We are interested in others when they are interested in us”
• “If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind: Become genuinely interested in other people.

Principle 2 — Smile

• “Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
• “People who smile,” he said, “tend to manage to teach and sell more effectively”
• “As I leave for my office, I greet the elevator operator in the apartment house with a ‘Good morning’ and a smile, I greet the doorman with a smile. I smile at the cashier in the subway booth when I ask for change. As I stand on the floor of the Stock Exchange, I smile at people who until recently never saw me smile. Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp.”
• “You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Everybody in the world is seeking happiness — and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”
• “Working all by oneself in a closed-off room in an office not only is lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other employees in the company.”
• “Preserve a right mental attitude the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed.”
• “Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it”

Principle 3 — Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

• “Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it — and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.”
• “In the beginning, it was a very simple one. Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions.”
• “His technique? Simple. If he didn’t hear the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?”
• “Half the time we are introduced to a stranger, we chat a few minutes and can’t even remember his or her name by the time we say goodbye.”
• “One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.”
• “And the ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics.”

Principle 4 — Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

• “She never again asked me where I had been or what I had seen. She didn’t want to hear me talk about my travels. All she wanted was an interested listener, so she could expand her ego and tell about where she had been.”
• “But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally, that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. ”
• “I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk.”
• “I told him that I had been immensely entertained and instructed — and I had. I told him I wished I had his knowledge — and I did. I told him that I should love to wander the fields with him — and I have. I told him I must see him again — and I did.”
• “I listened patiently to all he had to say. I was tempted to interrupt, but I realized that would be bad policy, So I let him talk himself out.”
• “So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”
• “Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.”

Principle 5 — Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

• “Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.”

Principle 6 — Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.

• “Obviously, to make him like me, I must say something nice, not about myself, but about him. So I asked myself, ‘What is there about him that I can honestly admire?”
• “Always make the other person feel important. The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
• “You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world.”
• “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
• “Talk to people about themselves,” said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. “Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”

Summary of chapter 2: Ways to people like you

• Principle 1 — Become genuinely interested in other people.
• Principle 2 — Smile.
• Principle 3 — Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
• Principle 4 — Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
• Principle 5 — Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
• Principle 6 — Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

CHAPTER 3: HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

Principle 1 — You Can’t Win An Argument. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• “Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it.”
• “As a result of all this, I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.”
• “Buddha said: ‘Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,’ and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.”
• “Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
• “Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.”
• “Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.”
• “Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.”
• “Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness. Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead.”

Principle 2 — Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.

• “Never begin by announcing ‘I am going to prove so-and-so to you’. That’s bad. That’s tantamount to saying: ‘I’m smarter than you are, I’m going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind.”
• “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.”
• “Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so.”
• “Well, now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts: …”
• “You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.”
• “We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts.”
• “When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel ‘that’s right,’ or ‘that’s stupid,’ ‘that’s abnormal,’ ‘that’s unreasonable,’ ‘that’s incorrect,’ ‘that’s not nice’.”
• “Be diplomatic,” counseled the King. “It will help you gain your point.” In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

Principle 3 — If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

• “But instead of breaking lances with him, I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm. ”
• “Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say — and say them before that person has a chance to say them. ”
• “When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong — and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves — let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.”
• “Remember the old proverb: “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”

Principle 4 — Begin in a friendly way.

• “If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom.”
• “So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.”
• “I didn’t begin talking about how high the rent was. I began talking about how much I liked his apartment house. Believe me, I was ‘hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.’ I complimented him on the way he ran the building and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but I couldn’t afford it.”
• “The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.”
• Remember what Lincoln said: ‘A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall’.”

Principle 5 — Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

• “In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing — and keep on emphasizing — the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of the methods and not of purpose.”
• “Get the other person saying ‘Yes, yes’ at the outset.”
• “The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of ‘Yes’ responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the opposite direction.”
• “It took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost business before I finally learned that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes, yes’.”
• “He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.”

Principle 5 — Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

• “Must people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out.
• “They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.”
• “If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ‘ideas of their own crying for expression’. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.”
• “I discovered, quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking.”
• “Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles.”
• “Mr. Cubellis had taken the trouble to find out about the accomplishments of his prospective employer. He showed an interest in the other person and his problems. He encouraged the other person to do most of the talking — and made a favorable impression.”

Principle 7 — Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

• “No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.”
• “I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t have to sell him. He bought.”
• “Nobody had tried to sell it to me. I felt that the idea of buying that equipment for the hospital was my own. I sold myself on its superior qualities and ordered it installed”

Principle 8 — Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

• “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?”
• “Tomorrow, before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view?
• “Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?” True, this will take time, but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results — and with less friction and less shoe leather.”

Principle 9 — Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.”

• “Here it is: ‘I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do’. — An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive.”

Principle 10 — Appeal to the nobler motives.

Principle 11 — Dramatize your ideas.

• “I was presenting the same facts this time that I had presented previously. But this time I was using dramatization, showmanship — and what a difference it made.”

Principle 12 — Throw down a challenge.

• “Let Charles Schwab say it in his own words: ‘The way to get things done,’ says Schwab, ‘is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel’.”
• “What do you think he found to be the most motivating factor — the one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No — not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.”
• “That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression, to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.”

Summary of chapter 3: HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

• Principle 1 — The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
• Principle 2 — Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
• Principle 3 — If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
• Principle 4 — Begin in a friendly way.
• Principle 5 — Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
• Principle 6 — Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
• Principle 7 — Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
• Principle 8 — Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
• Principle 9 — Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
• Principle 10 — Appeal to the nobler motives.
• Principle 11 — Dramatize your ideas.
• Principle 12 — Throw down a challenge.

CHAPTER 4: BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT

Principle 1 — Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

• “It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.”
• “Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is painkilling.

Principle 2 — Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

• “Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.”
• “NO: you did this great, but you’ve failed at it. YES: you did this great, and I’m sure you can make it even better next time by doing that”

Principle 3 — Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

• “It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.”
• “Admitting one’s own mistakes — even when one hasn’t corrected them — can help convince somebody to change his behavior.”
• “I didn’t exhort him to stop or make threats or warn him about their dangers. All I did was point out how I was hooked on cigarettes and what it had meant to me.”

Principle 4 — Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

• “He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.”
• “Never said, for example, ‘Do this or do that,’ or ‘Don’t do this or don’t do that’. Say, ‘You might consider this’, or ‘Do you think that would work?’ Frequently he would say, after he had dictated a letter, ‘What do you think of this?”.
• “People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.”

Principle 5 — Let the other person save face.

• “They had gently maneuvered their most temperamental star, and they had done it without a storm — by letting him save face. Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is!”
• “What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”

Principle 6 — Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.

• “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
• “All of this was a result of praising the slightest improvement in the children rather than condemning everything they did wrong.”
• “Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere — not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.”
• “Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.”
• Talk about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.”

Principle 7 — Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

• “In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain spect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.”
• “Since I left this morning I realized I hadn’t given you the entire picture of our new line, and I would appreciate some of your time to tell you about the points I omitted. I have respected the fact that you are always willing to listen and are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant a change.”

Principle 8 — Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

• “Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique — be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it — and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.”

Principle 9 — Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

• “Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
• “Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.”
• “Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.”
• “Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.”
• “Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.”
• “When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.”

Summary of chapter 4: BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT

• Principle 1 — Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
• Principle 2 — Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
• Principle 3 — Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
• Principle 4 — Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
• Principle 5 — Let the other person save face.
• Principle 6 — Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
• Principle 7 — Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
• Principle 8 — Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
• Principle 9 — Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

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